Episode 10 Field notes from the swamp; What Modern Dating Really Looks Like
Things I've Learned From Modern Dating
Modern dating has taught me many things.
Some useful.
Some confusing.
Some deeply concerning.
But the most important lesson arrived quite early on, when I realised something remarkable.
Apparently, somewhere in the world, there are men who genuinely believe the following thought:
"You know what would really make this woman's evening?
A surprise photograph of a stranger's penis."
Not a hello.
Not a question.
Not even a mildly awkward conversation starter.
Just...
Here it is.
Full confidence.
Zero context.
As if I'd just ordered it.
Like a Deliveroo notification I somehow missed.
Except this wasn't a pizza.
And that's the moment I realised something important.
Modern dating is... different.
It has its own ecosystem.
A strange one.
A swamp, if you will.
And once you start paying attention...
you begin to notice the wildlife.
The Ghost
This one disappears suddenly.
You exchange messages.
You have a laugh.
Sometimes you even make actual plans.
Then...
Nothing.
No explanation.
No goodbye.
No dramatic argument.
Just silence.
As if he quietly slipped out of the room... and evaporated.
We once planned a winter woodland walk.
Followed by a pub lunch.
Which quite frankly sounded like a very pleasant way to spend a Sunday.
The day before, I messaged to confirm the time.
Nothing.
So I assumed that was that.
Another ghost drifting quietly back into the swamp.
Until a few months later...
He appeared
on another dating app and attempted to match with me.
Field note:
ghosts occasionally return in zombie form.
The Zombie
This one disappears completely.
Days.
Weeks.
Sometimes months.
And then suddenly...
he rises again with a message like:
"Hey stranger... how have you been?"
As if the last conversation didn't end halfway through a sentence three Thursdays ago.
No acknowledgement.
No apology.
Just a casual reappearance.
Like a man returning to a pub after popping outside for a cigarette.
The Catfish
Now this one is particularly fascinating.
Because technically...
the photographs are real.
Just not necessary from this decade.
You agree to meet.
You arrive.
And when he walks through the door you experience a strange moment of quiet confusion where your brain tries to solve a puzzle.
Something is ... different.
Height.
Age.
Hairline.
Possibly all three.
And you find yourself thinking:
Did he genuinely believe I wouldn't notice?
The Immediate Escalator
No small talk.
No build up.
Just straight to:
"What are you wearing?"
Babe.
We haven't even discussed snacks yet.
The Cucumber Guy
At some point...
with absolutely no build up whatsoever...
he asked:
"Can you go and buy a cucumber...?"
And I remember thinking...
this is new.
No.
No, I will not be doing that.
The "Technically Available Guy"
Seems present.
Engaged.
Available.
Until....
You start to notice patterns.
Odd timings.
Specific windows.
Carefully managed availability.
And then you realise...
you are not the only one in this situation.
The Time Waster
Chats for weeks.
Keeps things ticking along.
Never actually meets.
Just...
exists.
The Night Caller
Chats for days.
Weeks, even.
Easy conversation.
Consistent.
Engaging.
Never actually meets.
And just when you think it might be heading somewhere...
6am.
You wake up to:
"Are you awake?"
Followed immediately by:
"Fancy a FaceTime?"
And that's when you realise...
this was never going to be coffee.
The Situationship
This one is... different.
Because nothing is actually wrong.
The connection is there.
The chemistry is there.
When you're together...
it feels easy.
Natural.
Real, even.
And for a moment...
you think:
Oh.
This might be something.
But then...
it disappears again.
Not completely.
Just enough to keep you there.
A message.
A check in.
A reappearance.
Just when you've started to move on.
And that's the thing.
It never quite becomes something.
But it never fully goes away.
And somehow...
that's harder than either.
Life In The Swamp
And I think that's the thing.
It's not that there aren't good people out there.
It's just...
you have to wade through a lot of this first.
And if you've ever found yourself in any of these situations...
wondering what I did wrong...
You didn't.
And just to be clear...
I wish I was exaggerating.
Welcome to the swamp.
...
Although...
There was the French guy
