Episode 6 Naked Adam
Whisks, Wine & Weird Men: Episode 6
Another day.
Another frog from the swamp.
Allow me to introduce you to a very specific breed of modern dating man.
The kind that don't say hello.
Doesn't ask about your day.
Doesn't even bother with a "How was your weekend?"
No.
This man skips all of that and goes straight to:
Full frontal. Head to toe. Naked
Because obviously.
Meet Naked Adam
I matched with Adam.
He said he was 49.
He seemed fairly normal at first.
Normal-ish.
And then.... he sent me his first photo.
Not a "cute selfie" photo.
Not a "here's me walking my dog" photo.
Not even a "gym mirror" photo.
No.
A full blown, naked, head to toe photograph
Like I'd just requested his body for a medical textbook.
No warning.
No build up.
No conversation.
Just...
Here you go, Sasha.
The full inventory.
Tantric Massage, Anyone?
Alongside the nude photo, came the offer
He liked to give tantric massages.
And he would love to give me one.
Now listen, I have four herniated disks.
I spend all day baking for half the Cotswolds.
I love a massage.
But a tantric massage from a naked stranger on a dating app?
That's not self care.
Thats a potential Netflix documentary waiting to happen.
And Then... The Plot Twist
He was married.
Of course he was.
And not just married..
A swinger.
He'd met his wife swinging.
Apparently, it had been their thing.
Until they had kids.
And then... shockingly....
his wife no longer fancied group intimacy with toddlers in the background.
Adam, however, remained committed to the lifestyle.
Which is why he was now on dating apps, sending unsolicited full frontal nudes to women like it was a Christmas newsletter.
Why Are Men Like This?
It's not even the marriage.
It's the confidence.
The absolute belief that somewhere, a woman is sitting at home thinking:
God... if only a naked stranger would appear and spiritually align my chakras.
No, Adam.
I'm trying to drink my tea and survive the week.
And Before Anyone Asks... Yes, I Kept Chatting
Now, before you judge me, I was curious.
Not interested.
Curious.
Because when a married swinger introduces himself with a full frontal nude and a tantric massage offer, you don't immediately think romance...
you think...
What species are you?!
And I'll admit.. I ended up asking questions like I was interviewing him for a documentary.
At one point, he was giving me advice about other men I was talking to.
Imagine.
Taking dating advice from a married naked man.
Modern dating is deeply unwell.
And the thing about Adam was this.
He didn't just send the opening photograph.
Over the next few months he would occasionally send updates from whatever social gathering he happened to be attending.
Often involving hot tubs.
And a general level of nudity that suggested I was receiving a slightly different kind of dating advice than usual.
Sometimes it was just Adam.
Sometimes it was Adam and several other very enthusiastic participants.
At one point I remember thinking:
I am currently discussing modern dating boundaries with a man who is texting me from a hot tub while someone is enthusiastically attending his personal well being.
And yet somehow...
he remained one of the more emotionally insightful men I spoke to during my time in the swamp.
Which, frankly, should worry all of us
The Age Thing... Again
We never actually met.
And then months later , he sent me another photo.
And I looked at it and thought:
That is not 49.
That is not even close to 49.
That is a man who has absolutely lived through the entire 90s.
Possibly twice.
And suddenly I realised...
I had a sneaky suspicion he wasn't "Adam, 49" at all.
He was probably "Adam 59, with a wife and an alarming amount of confidence."
Which seems to be a recurring theme in my dating life.
The Swamp Is Real
I don't know what I expected when I started dating again.
A decent man?
Some conversation.
A bit of romance?
Someone who asks me how my day was?
Maybe even a "good morning" text?
Instead I got:
A married swinger, possibly ten years older than advertised, sending full frontal photos like it was completely normal behaviour.
Honestly... I don't know whether to laugh or scream.
So I do both.
A Life Lesson (From Your Local Baker)
If there is one thing I have learned from modern dating, it's this:
If a man introduces himself with a naked photo...
he is not the love of your life.
He is a warning sign.
A flashing one.
With sirens.
And possibly an ankle tag.
Anyway...Stay Tuned 🐸
Because i promise you...
Naked Adam is not even the strangest one.
Not by a long shot.
And somewhere in my Notes app, there are more names.
More frogs.
More Chaos.
And unfortunately for modern men.
I can type.
