Episode 8 Smug Marcus

Whisks, Wine & Weird Men Episode 8

This one began, like most questionable life decisions, on a dating app.

Marcus was attractive.

Good photos.
Nice smile.
Exactly the sort of man you swipe right on without thinking too hard about it.

The only thing that had given me slight pause...

was the fact he lived in Swindon.

Now, I'm sure Swindon is perfectly lovely.

But I'll be honest, something about it made my instincts quietly whisper:

Proceed with caution.

Unfortunately...
I ignored them..

Still... we arranged to meet for a drink.

And at this point in my dating life I had not yet fully understood what the modern dating swamp was capable of.

Marcus was about to become an educational experience.

Now, one thing modern dating has taught me is this:

Attraction can disappear very quickly once someone starts behaving like an absolute idiot.

For Marcus...
the evening did not go well.

This Is Where Things Started Getting Weird

At first everything seemed normal.
Which in hindsight, was suspicious.

We were chatting, having a drink, making polite first date conversation.

I'll be honest though...
I cannot remember a single thing we talked about.

And I'm fairly certain that's because at some point my brain quietly stopped participating in the conversation and switched to observational mode.

At first I thought I might be imagining it.

Then I started to notice a pattern.

Door opens.
Marcus looks.
A full look.
Up.
Down.
Then back to me.
Still talking.

As if nothing unusual had just happened.

As if checking out other women while on a date was just part of the evening's normal activities.

The first couple of times I thought:

Maybe I imagined that.

But by about the fourth time it became fairly obvious that Marcus was not just casually noticing people entering the pub.

Marcus was looking at the other women in the room.

Not just a quick glance either.

A full look.

The sort of look where you think:

Wow.
Really?

Because it wasn't subtle.

And I remember sitting there thinking:

"Marcus... you know this is a date, right?"

I was not going to say that.
Because it's me.

So instead I sat there thinking:

Well...
This is new.

So the next time I saw his gaze shift past my shoulder, I casually turned around to see who had entered.

And interestingly...

that was the exact moment Marcus reached across the table and touched my forearm.

Not aggressively.

Just enough to redirect my attention back to him.

Which suggested he was fully aware that I had noticed what he was doing.

At this point a small debate started happening in my head.

Because on one hand, being on a date with a man who is openly surveying the pub for alternative options is...

Fairly insulting.

A sensible person might have stood up, said goodnight and left.

Did I do that?

No.

Because apparently when faced with unusual human behaviour...
I simply sit there and study it.

Instead I stayed exactly where I was.

Mainly because I was now fascinated.

And also slightly insulted.

But mostly fascinated.

Because how can someone be this obvious and still believe no one has noticed?

Then Things Got Worse

At one point Marcus offered to get drinks.

So I sat at the table and watched the interaction at the bar.

The moment he reached the bar he immediately buried himself in his phone.

Not glancing around.
Not looking at the bar.

Just fully absorbed in whatever conversation had captured his attention.

Now.

I love gin.
I have tried a lot of them.

So when the barmaid asked:

"What can I get you?"

Marcus looked up briefly.

"A pint and a gin and tonic."

Then his eyes dropped straight back to his phone.

No smile.
No eye contact.
Just...transaction.

She stayed polite.

"Of course. Any gin in particular?"

Now this was interesting.

Because I was sitting about three feet away.

And I know a lot about gin.

So naturally I assumed Marcus might do the normal human thing and turn around and ask:

"What gin would you like?"

Marcus did not ask.

Marcus instead looked at the barmaid with visible irritation and said:

"Just whatever. I don't care."

Which I found fascinating.

Because throughout the evening Marcus had demonstrated a very healthy interest in making eye contact with women in the pub.

Just apparently not the one serving his drinks.

He then remained leaning on the bar finishing his text conversation before bringing the drinks back.

Which felt...

efficient.

Romance, at this point, was clearly thriving.

It was around this point that my attraction to Marcus quietly packed its bags and left the building.

Permanently.

The Kiss

Eventually we left the pub.

Now, at this point you might reasonably assume that after an evening of wandering eyes, bar staff rudeness and my attraction quietly dying at the bar...

I would simply say goodnight and go home.

That would have been the sensible choice.

Did I do that?

Of course not.

Because apparently my brain thought:

Well... let's see what happens next.

There was that slightly awkward end of date pause where both people pretend to be deciding what happens next.

Marcus, however, seemed very confident about how the evening had gone.

Confident is actually the wrong word.

Smug is probably more accurate.

He had the air of a man who believed the evening had been an undeniable triumph.

Before I had fully processed what was happening, he leaned in and kissed me.

Now.

I am not against kissing.

But this was not a kiss.

This was... coverage.
Lips, chin... possibly heading towards my nose.

The moment it started I remember thinking:

Oh no.
This is bad.
This is not going to improve.

Immediate regret.

You know when something happens and you immediately realise there is no way to recover the situation?

That.

And honestly...
how can someone get a kiss so wrong?

I remember standing there thinking:

Right.
This has gone very wrong.

And also:

I may need a towel.

Marcus, meanwhile, looked extremely pleased with himself.

Which was confusing.
Because we had clearly attended very different kisses.

I walked back to my car wondering if it would be socially acceptable to wash my face in the nearest puddle.

According To Marcus

The next day he messaged to say he'd had a really nice time.

Which surprised me slightly.

Because we had, apparently, experienced very different evenings.

When I eventually explained why I didn't want to meet again. I mentioned two things:

I did briefly consider mentioning the kiss.

But that felt like a lot.

The way he spoke to the bar staff.
And the fact he spent most of the evening looking at every woman who walked through the door behind me.

Marcus seemed genuinely surprised by this information.

He explained that he had been brought up properly and had nothing but respect for bar staff.

Which was interesting.

Because I had been sitting directly in front of him watching the entire interaction happen in real time.

And the wandering eyes?

Apparently that hadn't happened either.

Which was impressive.

Because at one point I had actually turned around just to see who he was looking at.

Several times.

And every time I turned back...

there was Marcus.

Quickly re-establishing eye contact.

Like a child pretending they absolutely had not been caught doing something.

And That Was Marcus

But the real giveaway wasn't any of that.

It was the kiss.

Because Marcus walked away from that kiss looking like a man who believed the evening had gone very differently in his version of events .

Which left me with two possible explanations.

Either Marcus genuinely thought the evening was a success.

Or Marcus had absolutely no idea what had just happened to my face.

Because the truth is...

there's nothing more confusing than a man who believes a date has gone brilliantly, when you are already mentally planning how to recover in the car.

And that was the moment I realised something very useful about modern dating.

You don't need a dramatic red flag.

Sometimes all you need is three small clues:

wandering eyes
rude behaviour
and a kiss that makes you question several life choices.

And that, dear reader,

was Marcus.

Unfortunately...the swamp still had several species left to introduce me to.

🐸